I feel free.

On season eight of Project Runway,

Mondo revealed on national television

for the first time in his life

that he was HIV positive.

The plus signs on these pants
represent his being HIV positive.

Afterward, he said,

over and over,

"I feel good.

I feel free."

It made me cry.

Yes,

I thought.

Saying hard things

that need to be said

is what makes you free,

not hiding behind them

to spare someone the hurt.

On Joy and Sorrow, by Kahlil Gibran

8 Billion Mosquitoes Can't Be Wrong.

Guys, I'm a wimp about some things.

I feel faint

when I get my blood pressure taken.

But today I gave blood!

(Mosquitoes really like my blood.

You can tell by the way

my legs currently look like they have chicken pox.

So hopefully some human likes my blood, too.)

But everything went well,

and I felt like a champ.

Level 38 achieved.

Pool party, baby.

When I was a kid,

I never really learned how to swim.

Over the years,

I got to the point where I could be in a pool

and not die.

But it's always been just that.

A fight for survival.

Really,

treading water feels like a constant state of

fight or flight.

And the whole going-underwater-thing

seems a bit overrated.

Humans were made to breathe.

But tonight!

I swam.

I flitted and floated.

I jumped off the diving board!

I learned to dive!

And I only belly flopped once.

I loved it.

Life is looking

a lot brighter

from here on out.

Level 37 achieved.

Leveling Up.

It's such a good feeling

to do things that you never did as a teenager,

and probably never would have done,

and to like them.

Like go to an outdoor concert,

or ride rides at the water park,

or attempt a vault at a gymnastics gym,

or dance in front of people.

Truth is,
I try to use this picture
as much as possible.

It's not like those are big things.

But liking things you didn't know you could like

makes you more of a person,

you know?

There's more to you.

It's like leveling up.

By now, I'm at least Rachel Level 36, I think.

Little Guy.

So you say to yourself,
"I'm just a little guy.
I can't do much of anything special.
It'll be best for everyone
if I just hide back here.
I'm happy."

But then some annoying person comes along
and asks you to be great.

"Forget it!"
you insist.
"You've got the wrong guy."

But you think and think
until you go half mad.

And then some person says something like,

"Courage is not the absence of fear,

but rather the judgment

that something else

is more important than fear."

And then you think maybe
the whole point of life is to do hard things.

Yeah maybe it's human to be afraid,
but it's probably also human to be brave.

In the stories that really matter,

you remember,
the little guy becomes the hero

by doing the harder thing.

Muttering under your breath,
cursing that person
who asked you to live up to your potential,

you do it.

And you're grateful.

Sincerity.

John Mayer songs might be a little dumb,

but I try to live my life by the adage

say what you need to say.

This week, the name of the game has been

sincerity.

Bona fide communication.

If you want to say something nice to someone,

say it.

Don't worry about how it will be perceived.

It's worth it.

That's how I ended up telling my friend

that I liked the veins in his arms.

And that's only one of the ridiculous things I said.

...

By why not say what you mean?

I meant what I said,

and I said what I meant.

An elephant's faithful,

one-hundred percent!

Horton Hatches the Egg,

Dr. Seuss

Don't be insecure, girl.

My motto is

 

Say what you need to say.

 

But this week, I've developed another one.

 

Don't be afraid,

because the things you're afraid of

are the things you should be excited about.

 

 

Obviously, I'm not talking about spiders or being robbed.

 

I'm talking about being afraid of talking to someone new,

or thinking about the future,

or tackling a large task.

 

When you're afraid,

it means there's potential.

 

And that's something to be excited about.

 



Say what you need to say.

"If you have love in your heart,

let it show

while you can."

Avett Brothers

Sometimes I say dumb things.

But in my defense,

I'm just doing what President Monson says.

"But I [know] that these things must surely be made known,

and that all things which are hid 

must be revealed upon the house-tops--"

Mormon 5:8

Anonymous.

I received an anonymous note today,

which I really appreciated.

But it also made me uneasy.

I brandished it about my apartment, exclaiming,

"WHO DID THIS?"

And it made me think,

why be anonymous?

I mean,

it probably makes the compliment less awkward

for the person to give.

But I really like awkward compliments,

when you just know you have to give them,

so you dive in headfirst

and don't look back.

And then you're proud of yourself.

But that's just who I am.

Which,

interestingly,

was kind of the subject of the note.

"Thanks for being an example of doing what you like no matter what

and trying to make others happy by doing it."

Thanks,

anonymous note writer,

for reminding me that the quirky parts of myself

are the good parts.

But if you want to let me know who you are,

that'd be okay, too.

I can do hard things.

Today, I ran under a waterfall.

I didn't want to, because I didn't want to get wet.

But really,

I wanted to.

I have two friends named Angela & Amy.

They did it, and they told me how much fun it was.

I said no,

and I said no,

until I remembered

that running under waterfalls is how you learn to do hard things.

I have hard things to do in life.

And little victories,

like running under a waterfall,

are warm-ups for the big moments.

Sometimes all it takes is twenty seconds of insane courage.

"Life is either a daring adventure

or nothing."

Helen Keller