2018

2018 was the year of

getting my dream job at UVU Institutional Research

ordering Dominos

running & listening to The Greatest Showman soundtrack

becoming regulars at the karaoke place

watching Olympic figure skating

going to the movies

graduating from UVU

facetiming my parents every Sunday

getting my first "You up?" message on a dating app (I answered "No")

caring about the Oscars

going to Buffalo Wild Wings more than anyone should

getting into Hozier

living with Brooke again

perfecting my Julie Andrews impression

becoming even bester friends with Wes

playing a game I invented called "my team your team"

listening to podcasts

watching Lady Bird a million times

taking my first solo trip

watching Queer Eye

interviewing for jobs

peeing myself from overheating

being in a non-book club

trying my first acai bowl

reaching my 10,000th day of life

fangirling for the first time (for Sam Smith)

getting hit on at the Renaissance Faire

being flown out for an interview

sitting in a chair Obama once sat in

riding Amtrak for the first time

finally going to Mount Rushmore

moving to DC for good

living with Kaitlin again

reading the entire Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series

becoming good enough friends with my niece Zaley that she'll never again forget who I am

getting a gym membership

never shaving

buying a mattress

finally getting those Adidas all the cool girls wear

actually checking Twitter regularly

finally going to the Museum of African American History and Culture

ending the year with a stomach bug and not leaving the house for 5 days straight

Ghosts

Things haunt you differently than you think they will.

Sometimes I have this mental image of some large field or room full to single people trying to find each other. They walk around until they find someone they want to stand next to. But they’re not alone. Everyone is trailed by a line of ghosts. The ghosts are those we’ve dated, those we’ve liked, those we’ve hurt and who have hurt us. Ghosts of all the people we’ve loved before, chaperoning our new relationships.

How do the ghosts line up? Is it in chronological order, a timeline of who we are in the form of those we let close to us? Your first boyfriend always right behind you, reminding you that you wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him?

Is it in reverse chronological order? With your most recent love standing behind you, casting his shadow on the way you feel about every interaction with the person you’ve found yourself standing next to?

What’s the most fascinating to me is when they line up in order of importance. With the one who haunts you to the greatest degree always right there like a devil on your shoulder.

It’s often surprising to turn and see who is standing there first. How did he cut in line in front of these others who have more right to be here? He smiles shyly and waves. Your boyfriends in positions 2 and 3 roll their eyes like, “What’s this guy doing here?”

You sometimes forget the trail of ghosts is there, of course. But often I realize who is first in line by the way I see flashes of his face in the faces of so many others. I swipe right on anyone on dating apps who has the specter of his face in theirs. That must mean something, for them to have a little bit of him in them.

It’s also strange to crane your neck and see who’s at the back of the line. They’re dim, and they’re trailing behind, like they almost forgot to line up. I squint to make out their faces. Oh! Him! I never think of him!

And—it’s so crazy—once I start to think of those cabooses, I remember that they were some of the worst. They said the things that were the most unintentionally harmful. They made the silliest choices. Why aren’t they at the front, mocking me?

In the middle of the pack, some of them have become chummy. They’re friends now. You like that, but mostly you ignore them.

It doesn’t make sense. But at least as the time drags on, I don’t have to stand there alone.