Never look at the internet in the morning.

You should never look at the internet in the morning. Wake up, open the window, read a holy book, drink juice out of the bottle, take a shower, watch a sitcom while you do your hair. Don't look at the internet.

When you look at the internet in the morning, you will always find something that ruins your day. There's something about lying in bed and seeing something shocking on your tiny phone screen that can really mess up a life.

Today, I found out that a boy I'd had an internet crush got married while I wasn't looking.

Just withhold your judgment for a second, okay? This did not ruin my day. But it changed my day for sure.

I don't know why I was surprised. It's been years since I thought about him. When I was 19, I found him, the brother of a guy I kind of knew. He lived in a different state and went to an interesting college. He looked smart and nice. I knew we would be perfect for each other.

Today, as I scrolled through his profile pictures, there was a moment when I started to recognize them from before. And I realized that everything I'd just been looking at hadn't even happened yet the last time I stalked him. And it was like my 19-year-old self and my 24-year-old self were two different people, girl talking about this turn of events, me-now consoling me-then and saying wisely, "You never know what the next 5 years will bring."

The only moral of this story is never look at the internet in the morning. There's no reason to have an existential crisis before 7 am.