A List that Currently has Eighteen Entries.

Today, I read

some random guy’s blog post

about all the girls he’s loved.

I don’t even know him

or care about him

in any way,

but I was obsessed with it.

So I spent the drive to work

counting all the boys

I've had a crush on

in the recent past.

It was hard to determine

who I actually liked long enough
or well enough

to make the list.

Here is a

hopefully (obsessively) interesting

description of 18 of them.

(*Some of the 18 may well read this. If that's you, I hope you're okay with this. I'm not trying to make you feel weird. It's just the urge to share overly personal things on the internet, you know? It's inexorable. I hope you find a description that you think is you, but I hope you're not quite sure whether it is. And I hope I've done you justice. I just double checked, and there are only incredible people on this list.)

#1 was my first guy best friend. We did fun things together. Sometimes it felt like a competition to see which one of us could be nicer to the other.

#2 was 9 years older than me, I think. He’s important, because he’s the last boy that I liked from afar. Maybe I was a little old to finally be giving up I’ve-never-talked-to-you-but-I’m-in-love-with-you crushes, but at least it happened. And early on in the list.

#3 may, to this day, be the nicest person I’ve ever met. He was the first boy who had served a mission to ask me on a date, so that made me feel incredibly grown up.

#4 dazzled me because he talked to me about things. He was incredible. Just ask anyone. At first it was always me that did the talking; later on, it was always him.

I stopped liking #5 when I found out every other girl did. But they were right to. He taught me everything I know.

#6 was probably the first person who would have really dated me. At first I said, "Why not?" But then I figured out why before I did it.

#7 is the other nicest person on the earth. Wanting to talk to him is the most natural feeling in the world. He was the first person I said, "I like you," to, and I haven't stopped since.

#8 was as annoying as can be. I had a crush on him once, and then almost-crushes on him a hundred other times.

#9 is the other other nicest person that's ever lived. (Last one, I promise.) Of course I liked him. We made things together on our dates, and I loved that. I'm looking at one of them right now.

#10 and I talked for hours. He always picked up just where we'd stopped the day before. We both acted weird.

The first time I met #11, he made eye contact with me while I was talking. So when I had the chance to get to know him months later, I liked him. He told me not to be afraid of life.

I settled on #12 when #11 didn't share my feelings. We never quite made sense, but I'll always think he's the greatest.

#13 is the other other other nicest person in the world. (Whoops, I forgot that he was going to come up.) One time we were sitting next to each other at church, and he leaned forward when I did, and then he leaned back when I did. It was always like that.

#14 was a crazy dream that I realized I didn't want to come true.

#15 came out of nowhere, but not really. He made you want to dance. He unlocked the part of me that wanted to be happy. I think I'll say good things about him for the rest of my life.

#16 came out of left field. It was so unlikely. I still don't know to explain how it happened.

#17 is the guy in the room that you know you want to be friends with. My favorite thing was making eye contact and smiling about the same thing.

#18 is everyone's favorite human being, but that's not why I liked him. Everything felt inevitable from start to finish.

The end.

The end?

That's the thing.
It doesn't have an end
because I haven't
lived out the rest of my life
yet.

So here's to #19, I guess.